Thursday, June 30, 2011
ACHIEVING SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE by Doctor Gbenga Adebayo
Note: This article is written with only married couples in mind.
Please permit me to ask you a question: who was your very first instructor on sex? By instructor I mean the very first source that you could understand that opened your mind to what human sexual intercourse is all about. Your parents? A cousin? A friend? A magazine? A movie? If you are like most people I know, odds are you were introduced to sex not by your parents. I don’t also think it was done by someone who sat you down and in a rational, calm, and open way discussed what sex intercourse was all about.
From that very first introduction, you most probably would have had many “instructors” over the years gone by. With different sources of information, you have now come to possess a body of knowledge on the very germane issue of sex. Now let me ask another question: How confident are you about the veracity of your very own “gospel of sex” (please forgive the pun)?
Sexual intercourse is easily the most common night-time (some will say even daytime) activity all over the world. You don’t need to look very far to see a reference (subtle or otherwise) to the sexuality of us all. From clothes, to books, films, music, television, and all kinds of merchandise, references to sex and sexuality abound.
One would think that given the centrality and overwhelming visibility of sexuality in our modern-day society, most people should have factual knowledge on the act of sexual intercourse. But this is not so. Many people are totally clueless on the medical and social facts of sexual relations. Many myths abound as false knowledge and are widely accepted and disseminated as gospel truth. The end result of this is many are unsatisfied with their sexual adventure in life. This is so sad. Sexual intercourse can be very beautiful experience every single time.
My surveys of couples that have attended Livinghealth International School of Intimacy reveal that many couples are finding it very difficult achieving true sexual intimacy. In fact many have given up on pursing (not to talk of achieving) this ideal. For them, sexual intercourse has become a chore that must be dutifully performed. Some have even abandoned sex. I know a couple that have not had sex in 6 months! (I think the guy deserves an award.)
One of the hindrances to achieving sexual intimacy in my opinion are myths about sex. So rather attempting in this article to tell you how to touch and satisfy your wife or husband (don’t worry, in case you don’t know how, I will attempt to do that in another article), I want us to clear a few of the pervasive myths around.
Let’s look at a few of these myths.
1. HeMyth: Size Matters
In my opinion, this is about the biggest pervasive myth men habour. There is in fact a whole industry built around fanning and milking this myth with great commercial success. From creams, to pumps and other contraptions, and various 100 %-“natural”-with-no-side-effect remedies, all have one thing in common: bogus claims to add length to your penis.
The Fact: The erect penis of 90% of men is 5-6 inches long and 4-5 inches thick irrespective of size when flaccid. If your penis is more than 2 inches long, you are more than adequately endowed to give pleasure to your partner. Why? The most sensitive part of the female vagina is just 2 inches long. In fact, a very big penis is a sexual nightmare for many women. It touches places not meant to be touched and can be a source of great discomfort and even severe pain.
A woman can be brought to orgasm (i.e. peak of sexual ecstasy) with even a little finger. I am positive you can achieve the same with your partner with whatever size your penis is. My survey in our School of Intimacy shows that while many men are worried about the sizes of their penises, their partners are more than thrilled with them.
On those creams, pumps and contraptions, and 100 %-“natural”-with-no-side-effect remedies, stop wasting your money. They are not effective.
2. HeMyth: Women Like it Rough
You saw it in a movie. The lady was begging for it harder. The man was banging away. The lady was shouting and asking for more. The man became very aggressive and starting pumping like a train. With one great shout, calling her partner by name, she convulsed with pleasure. You thoroughly envied the man. Mama Thomas had never called your name before. In fact she hardly ever makes a sound. So you thought to yourself, I will do that with Mama Thomas next time. She must shout my name like that girl did. I am going to perform like a train. So the day arrived. You bought a small gift for Mama Thomas. You smiled and touched all the right keys and reached all the right notes. Strangely enough Mama Thomas also seemed in the mood that night. Unknown to you, it was on account of the small gift and the little kindness you showed her all day long. So the action began and it seemed to be going well until you started to behave like a train. Mama Thomas shouted in pain, and pushed you off. Film over. Disappointment all around.
This myth amongst men stems from the way they experience pleasure and the way sexual intercourse is portrayed in pornography. A masturbating man easily evokes an image of a train. So many men feel if it takes more power and “action” to bring them to ecstasy, it must also be the same for their partners. This is not the case.
The Fact: The more sensitive parts (e.g. clitoris and vaginal) of the female anatomy are lines with sensitive and delicate “skin”. Too much roughness will result in pain rather than pleasure. Take your time. Follow her rhythm. Get her wet. A soft touch many a times may achieve much more than a violent thrust.
3. HeMyth: I want her, she must want me too
A man can be angry. Very angry with his wife. He knows she is also very angry with him. So they are both angry. Yet she comes out of the bathroom. He spies her breasts through the short towel. He looks at her curves still feeling the anger thumping in his chest. Suddenly that is not the only thing thumping anymore. Something else starts to thump below. Before long, “Willie-Willie” (oh the funny names men give their penises!) is at full attention! He approaches her and she asks incredulously,”...please where is this coming from? You must be joking! Are we not fighting?” He can’t understand it. But he wants her in spite of his anger.
The Fact: Men and women are simply wired differently as far as arousal and sexual desires are concerned. This is not to say that all men when angry will still want to have sex with their wives. Certainly not. The point is that the desire path and curve in men and women are different. You will do well to bear this in mind. You probably have heard that men are stimulated by sight and women by words. This is one application of that fact. Hopefully someday we will look at this in more details.
4. SheMyth: Men always want sex
This is arguably a forgivable myth. You have probably heard it said time and time again, “...all men think about is sex”. So you have come to accept it as the truth. That may even be your experience as far as relationships with the opposite sex go. It may be that all the men you have hitherto related with had only one goal in mind: get into a bed with you. So in marriage, when your husband appears not to be interested in you sexually anymore, you think the worst: he has a mistress outside, or he is becoming impotent.
The Fact: Men are averagely more “sexed-up” than women. By that I mean that the sexual appetite of the average man is more than the average woman. That is not to say that the more sexually demanding partner in relationship is always the man. It may be the woman. But more commonly it is the man.
Men however do not always think about sex neither are they always ready to have sex. In a loving and faithful marriage, there may be times when the man is either unable or unwilling to have sex. The reasons for these may include tiredness. Yes! A man can also be tired. It may also be beyond simple tiredness. There are medical conditions that can affect a man’s libido. Social conditions can also affect a responsible man’s libido. I tell you it is possible for the next batch of School fees combined with rent payment can weigh so heavily on a man’s mind that he may not be able to perform as he should. Someone has walked into my consulting room with such a condition. For other men, a habit of the wife may be the turn-off.
Maintain an open communication line with your husband. Don’t take the libido of your husband for granted. Some things can turn it off.
* TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO of THIS CLASS.
Licensed to: The Sex Series.
All rights reserved ©Dr Gbenga Adebayo www.gbengaadebayo.com . 2011.
Doctor Gbenga Adebayo's full profile and contact details will be made available by the second and concluding part of this class!